50’s Seduction Technologies
From the launch issue of SWITCH (Jun/Jul’2010)
The nerds of today are lucky. They can escape to Internet fantasy worlds, find real nerd girlfriends on Facebook, get some semblance of a social life even while still living in their mother’s basements. If anyone assaults them, nerds can press charges and sue for big cash. Hell, we even have summer movies aimed at nerds these days.
In the 50’s, no such comforts existed. Beatings were common, and nerds were limited to the cruel women of their small towns. Without Nicolas Cage, movies were awful, and life was even worse. Is it any wonder that these downtrodden souls turned not to self-improvement to attract women, but to technology?
Technology they understood. Ham radio kits and home science labs, spaceships and lasers, these the nerds knew inside and out. So why not find a technology that’d force women to like them?
Bow-Lite tie
The Bow-Lite Tie takes lying in advertisements to a whole new level. Essentially a battery-operated light-up bow-tie designed to impress or delight women, the Bow-Lite Tie promised to “win you new friends everywhere you go”. The lights were also great for letting bullies know who to beat up.
Take a look at the women in this ad. They’re so taken by this cheap piece of crap that two of them have literally willed red hearts – once something that only existed metaphorically – into existence.
Besides, given that this was 50’s technology at play, the battery was also probably nothing more than a cheesecloth bag of ionised acid. Can you imagine how the use of a Bow-Lite Tie in social situations would actually turn out?
1950’s Nerd: Oh hey, Sheila (my love…)! Perhaps you would care to accompany me to the winter formal?
Sheila: Oh, sorry 1950’s Nerd, I’m washing my hair.
1950’s Nerd: Really? Will you feel the same way after… THIS?!
(Nerd activates his Bow-Lite Tie – immediately scalds himself with battery acid)
1950’s Nerd: YE-OW! Sheila: Hey, your ugly tie’s flashing.
1950’s Nerd: I know! Isn’t it a LAFF RIOT?
Sheila: Hey, you’re that guy with the hypno-coin!
1950’s Nerd: (Runs away)
“How to Hypnotise”
There’s sexual repression, and then there’s the 1950’s. This book was a technical manual on how to hypnotise women so you could then sleep with them. The target audience? Men who believed that the only way a girl would touch them would be while entranced. And it actually gets worse from there.
The ad’s first line: “Want the thrill of imposing your will over someone? Or making someone do exactly what you order?”
This book’s target audience just expanded to “Angry Men.” Men who’d suffered one too many casual slights from disinterested women; who’d lost control, and were seeking to regain it through hypnotic googoo eyes. Or in some cases, by employing a hypno-coin, which I affectionately call a “rohypno-coin.”
Finally, the book includes “24 revealing photographs for your guidance.” I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but they’re talking about photos of hot ladies in zombie trances, right? Because if so, I’ll take ten of these books right now.
Life Size Inflatable Doll
What technology can’t convince, it can replace. So your hypnotic rape trance device failed, big deal! Who needs a real woman when you can have the perfect plastic facsimile!
That’s right – comic books used to sell blow-up dolls. The inflatable doll was advertised as “Life Like In Every Detail”; which is the first time ever that underlining has meant, “Yes You Can Have Sex With This.”
Because they can’t advertise it as a sex doll, they have to fill their copy with a bunch of made up crap, like, “It’s the ideal burglar deterrent – prowlers will see that someone is home!” I don’t know about you, but given the choice, I’m robbing the house with the blow-up doll. That guy probably has a lot of money he’s not spending on, say, real friends or actual girls.
The deluxe edition comes with a bikini, pyjamas and, for real-life accuracy, a restraining order.
X-ray Specs
There’s no way we can ignore the classic X-Ray Specs. Another prime example of an ad where, while the copy does not once mention the word “woman” or “underwear,” the drawing somehow still manages to imply perv-o-vision.
The problem with these glasses is that they eventually became so popular that even women knew their purpose. Oh, the slaps that were handed out to men from women who hated the idea of being seen in their underwear! Oh, the punches they must have gotten in return, because it was the 50’s! Oh, the times they had.
Some Actually Good Alternatives
“Pull Yourself Together, Baby!” by Sylvia of Hollywood and “Don’t Be Half A Man!” by Charles Atlas were two books sold through mail-order ads that gave advice on attracting the opposite sex.
They were particularly notable for suggesting that hypno-coins and light-up ties were not the answer to sexual success.
Instead, the books suggested “exercise”, or “being less talkative,” in order to woo our loves.
How dare they! What are they suggesting, that there’s something wrong with us? Because we’re perfect in every way! Or at least in the only way that matters: smarts! Ten years from now these bullies will all be working for us, I tell you what! And then all the girls will love us, and not walk away from us laughing at our X-Ray Specs!
But for now, please sell us a hypno-coin to get us through high-school. Or some handsome cream – if you sell a cream we can slather ourselves in and then girls like us, we’d really appreciate it.
Pretty much anything but exercise, which sounds like it could take forever, and is only for idiots. Hey, blow-up dolls are on sale!
